i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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