The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
