im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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