he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
