you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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