The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
