1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
