worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
