Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
