just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
