Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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