she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
what day is it and did you see me today?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
