I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Boobs speak an international language.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
