I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Randomize
