The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
