Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
