My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
