How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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