this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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