dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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