Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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