I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
