So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
