Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My breasts were aching with rage.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
