Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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