Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
