Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
