I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
