What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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