Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
