just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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