This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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