My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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