.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
