Got a toothbrush?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He felt like a one man threesome
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
