hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
