We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
