so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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