I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
