dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
