YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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