i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
