so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
