You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
