I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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