What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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