I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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