I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
