You just made me feel so damn special
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize