Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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