Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
