My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
