She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
