Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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