she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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