So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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