I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
