Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
