I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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