Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
