well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
